What do you think of my story? please, i really need your suggestions.?

MOVING ON “It’s all sparkly, like diamonds are in the sky, as if the heavens had come down. There’s blue, red and green.” I want nobody, nobody but you… I could almost hear this ear piercing tune inside my ear even when I was still away from earth and still living back in my Technicolor and bright universe –dreaming. I woke up, startled, by the noisy boisterous rhapsody from the nearby neighbor, since Christmas every radio in this country was blaring this song in every speaker. Annoying, yes, but would you want to hear the laughter and giggles formed by the children dancing outside. Once again, I felt the soft embrace from my blanket; I lay there for another minute or so. I scratch my face and put off the dried tears using my bare hands. Still half asleep, I hugged the pillow which I think softly speaks to me that I should go back to my fantasy but the noise outside was more inviting than neither my blanket nor my pillow. I shook my head and stood up, smiled at myself and thank God I’m still alive and could still hear them, the children, and feel their cheerful presence. I stood up from my bed and went near the window; I felt the new sun touching my face as if saying that this was another hopeful day and I know it was saying the truth, this day is so alive. I could nearly smell the freshly harvest hay from the field beside my home, I felt fresh and new. With an aid of a miracle, I had the energy and the spirit to come down the stairs. Each step of the stairs felt like a challenge to me, every level was another way to say I’m moving on. I stopped for a minute then reminisce the time when I was still young, so alive and full of hopes, that one day I would grow up to be a good father. Another level and I’m almost there, my hot feet seem to mingle with the cold stairs, and finally, I had my feet on the ground. I could feel the warm sensation lingering in the air. This new day is just too good to be true, I thought and chuckled while trying to remember that line from the song I used to sing back then. Walking carefully, little by little, I could smell the strong aroma of the coffee inside the kitchen. “Pa…” I heard someone calls out my name, how unusual that I was really named Pedro, but now I’m usually plated as Pa. “Your coffee’s in the table. I smiled and I just know she’s smiling back at me too. She kissed me on my forehead, my daughter, like I know, still sweet and oh-so charming. How lucky was I to have her. I cupped her face, feeling her eyes and nose then I felt her crying, each tear trudging her hot cheeks. “Why are you crying?” I asked as if I’m confused, but I know better. “You know, I just missed her.” She told me and breathes a sigh. I know her and I love her, my wife, it felt just like a second when she was still with me, with us. I learn by heart the days when my wife, used to wake up early, I felt her kiss on my forehead every dawn then she goes downstairs to brew her coffee, that was a year ago but it felt like a century. But sometimes at daylight I could still feel her waking up and kissing me on the temple although with one exemption she doesn’t have to brew her coffee anymore I know she just sit there holding my hand, I guess they have free coffee in heaven. I stop my thoughts, moving on; my daughter and I both heard the door creaked open and I heard the children’s giggle. “They’re here.” Back in animation, my daughter stood up to greet her own family but before I let her go, I whispered to her, without knowing if she had heard or not. “You look just like the exact copy of your mother...” I whispered with a hoarse voice, keeping the sadness just inside me. She holds my hand then thanked me softly. “Let’s go, you’re grandchildren are waiting.” She says to me. I stood up. Still holding her soft hand, we went to the living room. I could hear the voices of my apo’s talking at each other and bragging about the gifts and moneys they had from last Christmas. “Lolo.” one of my energetic apo tugged my loose shirt and asked me a question in her girlish voice. “Where’s Lola?” without a hint if I was staring back, I said to her that Lola’s in heaven, staring down at us. I tried to smile, showing my incomplete teeth, and then touch her soft long hair, after saying what I need to say. Then there was silence, but I know my apo’s still there. I waited for her to say another word or maybe, another question. Finally she blurted out. “Are some of your teeth also staring down at us from heaven?” I cackle and shook my head. “Good.” I heard her say again, “`because that would be scary.” I hold back a laugh. Then we heard her mother called out that it’s time to eat. Both my apo’s help me stood up and accompany me to the kitchen. I could smell Lechon, one of my favorite dishes. I sat down on the chair, from the sounds of the chairs s um. if you want to read the whole story.. just tell me:) --geleecka. “Where’s Lola?” without a hint if I was staring back, I said to her that Lola’s in heaven, staring down at us. I tried to smile, showing my incomplete teeth, and then touch her soft long hair, after saying what I need to say. Then there was silence, but I know my apo’s still there. I waited for her to say another word or maybe, another question. Finally she blurted out. “Are some of your teeth also staring down at us from heaven?” I cackle and shook my head. “Good.” I heard her say again, “`because that would be scary.” I hold back a laugh. Then we heard her mother called out that it’s time to eat. Both my apo’s help me stood up and accompany me to the kitchen. I could smell Lechon, one of my favorite dishes. I sat down on the chair, from the sounds of the chairs scraping, I knew they also did. My apo lead the prayer. His childish voice seems to tickle me and I can’t seem to suppress my smile, my thankful smile that I’m still sitting here feeling welcomed. umm. hi! the story here isn't done yet.. I've already finished this story but i couldn't add another detail. PROMISE i'll try to edit it out:) put on spaces:) im sorry.. i've edit it out but it always comes out looking like this:) i'll try once more:) We ate in silence but the clashing of the spoons and forks on our glass plates seem like a sweet rhapsody for my ear, it’s like a sign that I know they are there, eating with me. This day had passed by faster than the others. It also seems like a day of memories, which with one pail I can pile up a lot. So, I usually find myself remembering back then, sitting on my rocking chair like usual. Then out of now where, I heard a blast from outside. My hair stood up and my heart beat fast. I hurriedly but carefully went outside even though my body and strength is not what it used to be. “Lolo, Look!” I can hear the little ones jumping for excitement. I don’t know if the statement suits exactly for me but I could feel my heart crumble and my tear drop as I remember another memory living well inside my mind. I felt I was living in the past. “It’s all sparkly, like diamonds are in the sky, as if the heavens had come down. There’s blue, red and green.” Her angelic voice covers up my ears. I remember how my wife describes the fireworks on New Years Eve, it felt and looks like paradise. I know, I had seen fireworks long, long ago that sometimes I just can’t seem to identify if I was living a memory or a dream. Like this moment… I felt a tender hand holds mine, my daughter, I squeeze it softly. I couldn’t repress another tear. I sob, enough for them to hear my sadness. “We all miss her.” My daughter had started to cry as if she knew why I was crying. I could feel my body tremble and my mind was thinking if this really need crying. My daughter holds my back and embraced me tightly. I realized I wasn’t crying because I want my wife to be back, to be alive again, I know she’s happy wherever she is. There’s no point of crying for a contented soul but of course there could never be somebody to replace my wife. I’m crying because this is just another step for moving on, I’m crying because I’m touch of how lucky I am that I’ve still have someone who holds on for me, takes care and most of all loves me. During this twilight years, I’ve recognize that it’s useless to think about what you’ve lost in the past and more of a gain to believe that you’ve got someone on the present. I could hear the explosion and screaming trumpets from the children on the street. I let go of the warm embrace. “What does it look like?” I finally had the confidence to ask my usual question for New Year’s Eve, a question that I thought I can never ask again. I heard my daughter breathe. “It’s all sparkly, like diamonds are in the sky, as if the heavens had come down. There’s blue, red and green.” my daughter replied, tenderly. I didn’t cry instead I smiled and said “I could see your mother now.” She puts her head at my shoulder and we stood there in peace, and then one of my grandchildren tugged the end of my cloth. “Lolo, how can you see Lola? You’re blind?” he said with no clue of how sensitive the question was, but still I smiled and tapped his head and replied “Blindness would never be a hindrance. I can see your Lola with my heart, not with my eyes…” then there was silence, I began to think that I’ve made the wrong answer or somehow disappoints him by my reply. Only the fireworks and the favorite song, nobody but you, could be heard in the background although I could hear my daughter and her husband talking. Then at last, I heard the two children whispering. Suddenly my grand daughter holds my hand and asked “Can you see us too?” I repress my tears but I guess emotions are just too strong to fight. “Definitely…” I replied once again. the END:) hope you enjoyed it:)

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6 Comments: Trackback URL | Comments RSS

  1. Mel Says:

    Oh my.

    This was a piece of breathy loveliness. I adored this piece!

  2. A. Thorne Says:

    Too many “I”s”.

    If this is the beginning it’s not making me care what happens next. Move the beginning closer to where something compelling happens or is said.

  3. The Stig Says:

    Your passion for storytelling is obvious. You have an unrefined talent for it too.

    Work on your descriptions and try to show and not tell, as most of this piece was telling. Try to add more drama also.

    It’s not awful and you can improve it.

  4. leaa. Says:

    It’s good.

    But can you pleaseee break the paragraphs down. Thats a huge block of writing.

  5. Reba Says:

    This is too hard to read; it’s one huge paragraph. Format it properly and post again, then I will give you feedback that you can actually use.

  6. Anja Says:

    I thought it was absolutely breath taking. Though I think you should try to find a way to rephrase some of the sentences and add some descriptions to them. Honestly I thought the main character was blind for a good part of it because you don’t give much description as to what the characters look like. But over all I thought it was a wonderful piece of writing. I hope I helped and good luck with the rest of your story. :)

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