Would you read more of this?

I have done a lot of editing to this so far and its not done yet. I am only in 8th grade so please tell me what you think. Darkness surrounded me. I couldn’t see anything except the face of a total stranger. She had dark blue eyes and brown hair. She looked like me, but older. She placed me on the steps of a house. The air around me was cold and I felt I had been here once before. “I love you Jenica. I’ll never forget you.” She whispered softly. And with that I was back in my warm bed. I had been having dreams similar to this for a week now. I didn’t understand. Could my dreams be telling me something? I wasn’t sure. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I didn’t go to bed late the night before and I really did not want to get up. I looked to the right at my clock on my bedside table. It was 5:30 A.M. “Jenica! Breakfast is ready!” My mom shouted up the stairs. I ran down the stairs in my blue and purple pajamas. When I got to the bottom I smelt my breakfast, bacon, eggs, and toast. I looked up from my food at my sister Hannah. She looked as if someone she loved had dies or was deathly ill. This was very unusual for her. Hannah was usually a very bubbly person. I didn’t know what was wrong with her so I decided to ask. “You alright Hannah?” She looked up from her food that she wasn’t eating but staring at. “I’m okay.” She said as a tear ran down her face. At that same moment I noticed my house was unusually quite. Usually I herd the faint sound of my mother singing and my brother, Oliver complaining about all the homework he had while Hannah was rushing to do hers before school. Something about today was off. After I finished my breakfast I ran to school. I had to tell my best friend, Riley, about my dream. I had been telling her since I had the first dream. I stumbled into my homeroom class. I was breathing heavily from the half mile run to school. “Riley, I had another dream.” I stated. I told her about my dream. The whole time I could see her light green eyes flicker across the room. Although, I knew she was listening because she always did. “Okay, you are really starting to scare me. How can this woman be in your dream every night?” Riley said as her shinny blonde hair fell in her eyes. I thought about what Riley said. My dreams were telling me something and I had to figure out what. I couldn’t think of anything though. The woman looked so familiar but I knew I had never seen her in my life. Could she have been only someone in my dreams? No. She was real and I knew she was, but I couldn’t figure out who she was. When I got home I walked through my front door. Everything was the same. Little did I know my life was about to change forever. I walked into my kitchen to get an afternoon snack. To my surprise I found a total stranger talking to my mom at the kitchen table. “Hi Honey,” My mom greeted as I walked in, “how was you day today?” “Well, it just got a whole lot more confusing.” I stated. That was the truth. There was a girl sitting at my kitchen table. A girl who looked like me only she had piercing lightning blue eyes. She wasn’t the woman in my dreams yet she looked almost just like her. I didn’t understand what was going on. “Hi, Im Jenica,” I said politely, “ who are you?” “Im Natalia.” The women said while she was twirling her hair. My mom stared at me. I got the feeling my mom knew something she wasn’t telling me. “Honey, Natalia is an old friend of mine.” My mom almost whispered as if I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone I had met her. Like maybe she should be a secret. I turned on my heel and stomped through the kitchen and up the stairs. I knew the lady in there was not an old friend of my mom’s. She was hiding something . When I got up stairs I saw my older sister Hannah. She was cleaning her room. “Hey Hannah.” I said unmeaningly. I wanted to ask her if she knew the lady down stairs but I figured if I didn’t then she probably didn’t either. Plus, Hannah never answered any questions I had when things were a little off. I never understood why but I figured it was for my own good.. “Yeah?” She answered back. “Er, do you know where my new shirt is?” I said too much like a statement. She shrugged her shoulders and I walked off. I couldn’t stop thinking about who the girl down stairs. I went into my room and lay my books down. I walked over to my mirror. My brown hair was wavy and fell to my collar bone. My dark blue eyes looked tired. I went into my bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I was freaking out about nothing

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3 Comments: Trackback URL | Comments RSS

  1. Rachel Says:

    Honestly, after the first few sentences I lost interest. Nothing engaging was happening. Nothing made me want to keep reading. I felt the writing was too jumpy, and I can’t really comment on the rest because I didn’t have enough interest to keep reading.

    Make something more exciting happen at the start. Read more so your actual writing is more gentle and easier to read.

  2. Kali Says:

    okay I was definitely interested in reading it the whole way through but you might want to make some transitions…such as when she’s running down the stairs and then she is suddenly sitting at the table, or when shes running to school and suddenly her friend pops in front of her. spelling needs help and “She was real and I knew she was, but I couldn’t figure out who she was.” that needs to be re-worded..it just sounds wierd. and too many sentences start with “I”. i like it though and i think you’re doing awesome for an eighth grader. when i saw you say that i was hesitant to even read it but i like it keep going.

  3. Pickled Emerald Says:

    You really shouldn’t tell people your age if you want to be taken seriously.
    I’d wager that most of the negativity you received is a result of your stating that you’re, “only in 8th grade”.
    Writing ability isn’t dependent on age — it’s dependent on talent. You either have it or you don’t, however old you are.

    Re-post this question again WITHOUT your age, and I’d guarantee you get more answers.

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