Check out this passage I wrote?

I was being watched. There were so many places for them to hide, moving so gracefully in between the trees, behind the cars, in them even. And I felt so sure, so sure that something was coming. And nothing did. With each second that past I was growing more certain that the next was to be the one to hold disaster. And then it hit. The world moved so suddenly slower as the car gained speed and pointed head first toward the wall on the side of the road. The highway noise was suddenly so much louder and the light was flashing around me, the emotions hitting me faster with each person that ran past me. Their screams were piercing my flesh, Liam‘s cold gaze now alight with adrenaline, Peter‘s chilly glance unsure as his legs carried him farther away from her than he wanted to be. Faye‘s mouth was closed emotionlessly as she trailed around me. But even as they moved, their fear rendered my muscles frozen stiff. And without warning, I couldn’t breathe. A fiery mix of anguish and unsurpassable panic echoed through my bones. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. Tongues of orange flame were spitting out of the dark at every angle and their heat encompassing my body. My eyes were flying, searching for some sort of answer as my body held still- but Wright’s arms were suddenly pulling me off the ground. The pain was everywhere, floating around in a haze of incandescent orange. I was moving too fast to know where I was going- all I can remember now is how blinded I was by all of the hurt that seemed to be flying at my sponge like body and convicting me of crimes I’d never committed. CONTEXT: This passage is out of a story I’m writing. It’s sort of cheesey, but I decided to branch out of realistic stuff and try writing a fantasy… But I think it’s unusual in the way it’s set up- It’s not really about a vampire, but a woman who accidentally kills a man and goes insane because of it. This section is being especially troublesome because she’s not quite to the pinnacle of insanity, but only beginning to dabble in it. (lol) She has the ability to “read emotions”, and feel what other people feel. In the second paragraph, she is feeling the emotions of one of her friends as they die in the car accident. (Sorry, spoiler). The emotions of others are also present. The wording in the whole thing is completely off, and I’d like some advice on that, in addition on how to make it less confusing, but chaotic and expressive at the same time. Thank you so much for reading this massive question. I will pick a best answer J Advice would be killer :]

Similar Piercing Answers:

  • Read this short passage I wrote? ...I was being watched. There were so many places for them to hide, moving so gracefully in between the trees, behind the cars, in them even. And I felt so sure, so sure that something was coming. And nothing did. With each second that past I was growing more certain that the next was to...

  • Is it normal for someone with caring friends and family, to still feel pangs of intense loneliness? ...Today was an ordinary day, and though I spent the majority of it with friends I still feel a piercing pain of loneliness that makes tears fill my eyes. I don’t know how someone who has genuine friends, and is cared for could feel the way I do. This year I’ve been emotionally closer with...

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  • for those with facial piercings– is there any particular sensation to having piercings in versus not? ...I’m a writer, writing a story about a person whose mind is transfered, in the night, from a body with facial piercings to one without. I was having trouble with phrasing the scene, and was wondering (as I have no piercings of my own) how it feels to have a facial piercing– anything anyone has...

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