What Do You Think Of My Story ?

This is the first one I've wrote and I'm 13. It's a short story. Did you ever wish you could change? Look like someone else? Become someone you’re not? I can. The leaves outside my window were a burning shade of oranges, browns and yellows, their colours were only dulled by the overcast and grey clouds that were threatening to rain on the city at any unannounced second. The dull clouds seemed to be trying to tell me something that I had tried to accept many times, but each time, I couldn't bring myself to do it. My summer was over. It ended as quickly as it had began. The deep blue of the ocean had been replaced by the grey of the city and the peaceful ocean breeze had been replaced by fumes and second hand smoke. I closed my eyes, hoping that when I opened them I would be back. Back to the beginning of summer. Back to where it all began. Back to him. I closed and wished and nothing happened. Nothing at all, I was just standing in the centre of my room. My eyes searched. All I could see was my bits of my old clothes throw messily around around the dark wooden floor and my magazines and books in a pile from previous days (or weeks). I slumped on to the hard motel bed and thought back to my magical summer... I lifted my head gently up to the bright, blue ocean of air above, an ocean in which tiny clouds and white wisps couldn't win a race against the tortoise. Slowly, I closed my eyes; I could hear the sound of the harsh waves crashing against the stubborn rocks, the shrieking sea gulls looking for food and the screams of young children playing. I opened my heavy eyes and saw the children running around cover in sand from head to toe, wearing little bikini’s and board shorts, carrying around colourful buckets and spades, collecting the glistening shells and piercing the air with they’re laughter. The large group of middle aged couples were lying stretched out on their little towels, whilst their sensitive, pale skin began to turn red, flicking through their pointless sand drenched magazines and starting to fall asleep behind their dark sunglasses. I could also see four or five girls attempting to get even more of a tan on their already olive skin. They were rubbing heaps of sun tanning lotion on each other’s glowing backs with silent acknowledgements to how pretty they were. I pulled my large sun hat down further until it was near the end of my nose so that it covered more of my ghostly white face and pulled my heavy top further away from my hot, sweating chest. A warm breeze swept past my hot cheeks as I opened my dry mouth to take in a breath of this fresh air. I could taste the saltiness of the sea dancing on my sensitive tongue. Gracefully, I walked along the sizzling beach. The shattered, destroyed sea shells were scattered along the golden sand, glistening in the sunlight as the blue sea secretively stole them. As I walked little bits of hard sand grains and demolished shells crept into my new, white saddles. I managed to find a reasonably peaceful place near the enormous, glowing rocks and placed my red, over sized towel on the burning sand. The beach was one of my favourite places in the world, it changed every day never to be the same again. My name is Kaylia No Last Name. I am 17 years old with an unusual secret. I can change my appearance in the blink of an eye, I could even mould my body into you if I wanted to but why would I want to do that? I’m one of a kind, unique or original you could say. No one else could change their height or hair colour like me. No one else could change into a superstar and get things for free or special treatment like I can. Once, I shifted into a cute, stray puppy and spent a whole two weeks with a lovely, young family. They loved me, cared for me, fed me and put a roof over my head. Sometimes I wonder if they miss me or ever tried to find me? But this is my life, I can't do anything to change it. I can't have any friends. I can't be noticed. I can't be the real me. I ran along the burning beach as fast as could without looking back, this would only end up being a forgotten memory anyway but still a soft, salty tear trickled down my right cheek. It was always easier leaving a place to go to new one if you don't make any friends, it was less of the hurtful good byes. Though, I knew I couldn't leave without seeing him again. His beautifully sculpted face and ability to put a smile on my face when ever he wanted. I had to have at least one last glimpse of him but how could I? How could I put him through all this pain again? My eyes ran along all of faces. They all looked like him. They're scruffy, mahogany hair, sun kissed skin and eyes so bright. All of them with his faded blue jeans and his smile that reaches his eyes. I blinked and they were gone. It was just people, not him. I shook my head and sat down on a rock that was thankfully there. I ran my fingers through my soft, golden hair and another tear slid from my deep blue eyes. A young girl with glowing red hair and large cheek bones, turned her gaze to me. I turned away from her like lightening, I took a quick glimpse at her from the corner of my eye through my thick, glimmering hair and she was staring at me like I was hiding something. She was right. With in one quick sweep of her mothers hand, she had disappeared. I jumped off the rock like a kangaroo. I had made up my mind. I had to see him. I had too. With one quick swoop of my arm, I was off, a sea gull flying through the open air. I felt the wind rush through my hair and into my eyes, I had to squint against the sunlight pouring through the clouds and onto my burning, cream wings. Suddenly, I shivered and panicked. I thought I was going blind because all I could see was white. I twisted off side ways and could see the beautiful, blue sky again. Looking behind me, I laughed and realized that I had flown through a fluffy, white cloud. I swooped down to the glistening sea and felt it splash onto me. It was an incredible feeling. I climbed back up towards the sun split clouds and looked down at my wings. The clear droplets of water sparkled like tiny crystals on my feathers as the cold wind battled the boiling sun to dry me first. Then, I saw it. His innocent, little cottage. It was even more magical than I remembered, its beautiful flowers and interesting yet simply structured. I flew down to the large apple tree and became me again. My legs felt like rubber and I struggled to move them across his remarkably green lawn. Then, I saw him. It was indescribable. He turned his beautiful head, gracefully in my direction. A flair of emotions exploded on his perfect face. He had seized my heart and splintered it into tiny pieces, he always had this type of effect on me. We both looked into each others eyes, seeing both of our souls. I could never forget his eyes. They were darker than tree bark, fathomless pits of solidified honey, yet with an extraordinary tint emerald green that danced like spring leaves on a windy day. They shone with the kind of happiness only he could achieve.

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3 Comments: Trackback URL | Comments RSS

  1. Carsonrulz101 Says:

    YES ! Good details, good story line, when you are done with this question, delete it so nobody steals the concept of it. HOPE I HELPED :)

  2. wheaty Says:

    Very good. I love the imagery.

  3. BUZZ Says:

    Your writing is incredibly beautiful and I love the descriptions, they flow well and are very detailed. However, I feel they might be a bit too detailed?? For example, you are constantly reminding the reader that the sand is hot, when you only need to say that once. And you don’t need to go into detail about the middle aged group and the kids and the girls getting a tan etc. You only need to mention them briefly unless they have significance in the story. I also think that you spoilt it with the paragraph explaining who the protoganist is and what is special about her. You need to SHOW the reader rather than just shove it all in one paragraph. SHOW the reader that Kaylia can turn into something else.
    But you’re a brilliant writer and sorry I didn’t read all of this, I didn’t have enough time. You definitely have potential though, and if you can write like this at the age of 13, you’re going to be amazing by the time your 20 :D
    Hope I could help :)
    Good luck with your writing.

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