Poll: Is the middle part of my story rushed (read only if you have enough time)?

Middle part They both hear Bethany's muffled words on their phones. It sounded like she was trying to say “He has a gun”. Shaking, Brianna asked “Who are you and why are you doing this?” In an extremely piercing and bloodcurdling voice, the stranger silently announced “Lets just say my name is Michael. Good bye......For now ...Bonus stolidus puella.....”. The voice sounded unusually familiar. She could not believe that Bethany's predator was someone she thought she knew. Brianna rapidly dropped her phone and told Raymond to turn back to the penthouse. He turned the radio on and a slow depressing song played while Brianna sobbed and tried to hum along to the song throughout the ride home. When Raymond finally escorted her back to the penthouse she ran into her room and laid on her bed not caring if her make-up got smeared or if her hair got frizzy. She didn't even care about Nicole going out with a player that did marijuana. All she cared about now was whether one of her best friends was alive. At Tuesday night, during dinner, her parents, Kenzie and Mark Yale, were acting unusual. They finally started talking after ten minutes of silence. “Honey we have bad news” confessed her father, Mr. Mark Yale. “Bethany's parents, Avery and David were found dead in the Upper West Side yesterday, their bodies were in a dark alley, and recently Bethany's neighbors called the police to tell them she was missing too” gasped her mother, Mrs. Kenzie Yale . Brianna screamed and scared all of the pigeons off her balcony. She couldn't believe that what happened on the phone three days ago was actually reality. The only missing piece in the puzzle now was Bethany's missing dead body. Four days later Brianna's family and many other people including Nicole went to David and Avery Billett's funeral. Nicole was so devastated that she dyed her usual wavy golden blonde hair to a dark shade of brunette and added five inches of extensions just because Bethany stated that the style would look exceptional on her two weeks ago. Also Nicole's green eyes were now covered by dark brown color contacts. Brianna glared at Drew as he walked towards her. Quickly he stated “I know what you did two years ago.” and Brianna's expression went blank as her went back to talk to Nicole. Out of the blue the funeral director began speaking to the crowds of people in the gigantic courtyard. “Dearly beloved and departed we are gathered today in the sight of god to give our last words to Mrs. Avery Billett and Mr. David Billett.....” moaned the old funeral director. Brianna didn't bother to listen anymore. She didn't even want to hear Nicole and her mother's speeches about Mrs. Avery Billett. Afterwards the Billett family will was read at the funeral reception. It stated that if Bethany was not available to take the family's enormous wealth and become CEO of their 5-star hotel chains, then Bethany's closest living relative would get the wealth and the hotel chain. Brianna was in fury. She couldn't believe that Peter, Bethany's callow cousin was going to get the enormous amount of the Billett's money and their hotel chain. Suddenly Peter started talking about his responsibilities and she briskly recognized his voice. It was the voice on the phone. “PETER WAS DAVID AND AVERY'S MURDERER!” shrieked Brianna. Everyone stared at her as if she were moronic. Then Brianna felt unconscious and fainted. Five hours later she woke up in a hospital bed and saw Drew trying to play “Oops I Did It Again” by Britney Spears on Mr. Billett's cherished guitar. “David wanted you to have his favorite guitar? What a big mistake.” stated Brianna in pure hatred. Drew just replied “Yeah it was on the will....” he paused “Two years ago....In California” he paused again and whispered “Was it a boy or a girl?” Frozen in the moment Brianna went blank again. She quietly mumbled “Her name's Jessica. I think she's two years old and seven months now. And she's living with Allison”. “Thanks for ruining nine months of my life” shouted Brianna. She ran out of the hospital room and dialed for Raymond. “Raymond! I know its late, but can you drive me to Nicole's house right now?” questioned Brianna. Raymond was tired but he still managed to utter “Yes Miss Yale”. When Raymond finally stopped at Nicole's penthouse she said “Thanks! Good night Raymond” for the first time. Nicole's doorman, Tibi let her in and then she started crying. “Nicole. There are so many things I haven't told you before....I'm sorry” sympathized Brianna. Both of them hugged each other and Nicole forgave Brianna for insulting Drew. They both fell asleep on Nicole's bedroom floor while thinking about all the complications currently in their lives.

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5 Comments: Trackback URL | Comments RSS

  1. kelly s Says:

    No it wasn’t rushed.I LOVED IT.SEND ME THE WHOLE STORY!!=D

  2. Cutiepie45 Says:

    I LOVED IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Dan Says:

    EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN!!!!!!!! How old are u??? what writing courses would u recomend i take for college to enhance my writing in poetry?

  4. Takashi Hiroyama Says:

    Extremely well written, not rushed
    You described it very well and had a good plot and the characters had their own personalities.

  5. jellybean819 Says:

    This AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you should seriously get this published!

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