Feedback on a excerpt from a memoir I am writing please?

Lately I've just been writing out different events from the past year... I'm a Junior in high school and it's been a weird one... Just wondering if anyone was willing to read one. There are a lot but I'm more confused as to how to work with this (c) 1. (there was a drug bust at my school... beezoo is my cat...) I was sitting in Odyssey, day dreaming about Beezoo, when the principle, Mr. Anderson, suddenly came on the announcements. Every time he came on the announcements, it was bad news; 'Who left a dead raccoon in the boys locker room?', 'There will be NO Junior Skip Day tomorrow. If you skip, I WILL FIND YOU', 'We have now received software that allows us to read your emails. You have been warned.' I braced myself as I waited to hear what was wrong this time. "Everyone must take out their cell phone, turn it off, and place it in front of them on a desk. Unless you want to be expelled," Mr. Anderson boomed. Every kid in my class did this. Normally I opposed such authority, but a part of me felt that Mr. Anderson was capable of wiring a bomb to go off of every working cell phone, so I turned my glorified walkie talkie to off mode and put it in front of me. "We are in lock down. You must get into a classroom immediately if you are not already in one." he told us, before clicking off with no further information. "Holy sh!t! Look at all those police cruisers outside!" Evan Pierce yelled, standing on the radiator to look out the window facing the front of the school. The immature half of the class got out of their seats to look. I saw that there were at least a dozen police cruisers, and police officers were filing into the school with dogs. There was a sudden bang on my classroom door. I grabbed the person nearest me to act as a shield if the gunman decided to shoot me. After all, my flamer hair tended to give me attention in the worst situations. My human shield just so happened to be my Asian friend Clare, who was the size of my leg. Fat chance of her protecting me. It wasn't a gun man though; it was two police officers with a German shepherd. "We're saved!" Sean cried, kissing Laura on the cheek. Now Mr. Anderson had caused my gay friend to kiss girls. What was this d@mn school coming to? Mr. Simpson opened the door for them, confused as we were. He spoke to the two officers for a few seconds before they let themselves in. One of them was a smiling young black man with a goatee. He looked like the nice kind of cop, not the annoying 'I'm-going-to-fnck-you-over-for-the-hell... cop. The other officer was a woman, I assumed. She was extremely beefy and looked like she wouldn't hesitate to take one of us down. "I need you to all get into a line at the back of this classroom," Officer Butch Woman growled at us. Everyone immediately ran to the back of the classroom and stood straight, shoulder to shoulder. We looked like a pathetic army. I was happy to see that I was standing next to Ian Kennels. He was an ex boyfriend of Theresa's and was almost always stoned. Talking to him was the highlight of everyday for me. Officer Butch proceeded over to us and stood directly in front of the kid at the very end. For a second I wondered if she would have each of us perform oral on her, one at a time. The tense silence and scared faces sure made it seem that way. Good cop brought the german shepherd over to our gathering. "Dam* it!" Ian whispered to himself. "What?" I asked him. "You know what this sh!t is, right?" I looked around to make sure the cops were not in ear shot. "Looking for bombs?" "Maybe. Probably looking for drugs though." I stared at the dog sniffing at Clare's crotch a few feet away. "Do you...?" I asked Ian. "Oh, hell yeah." he snorted nervously, his forehead starting to sweat. As the crotch sniffing dog came nearer to us, Ian really started to freak out. "Pretend to pass out!" I hissed at him. I felt like I was watching a car crash ready to happen in slow motion. "No, too obvious! It's me!" he stuttered, "I'm wearing a fncking Bob Marley t-shirt and my cartilage is pierced." "My cartilage is pierced too and I'm a total drug prude. And I like Bob Marley-" "Emily! What do I do?!" There were only three kids between the drug dog and Ian. We both shifted nervously. He looked from side to side, to each of the adults who were not watching, and then stuffed his hand into his pocket. He took out a little plastic bag filled with weed and shoved it into his mouth. "That's so obvious! You look like a hamster!" I whispered, examining his bulging cheeks. Ian made a few gross gurgling sounds, and 20 seconds later his cheeks were back to normal. "Did you just swallow the bag of weed?" He nodded as he coughed, his eyes watering and his hands clutching his throat. The dog came waddling over to us seconds later, stuck it's snout into Ian's dick area, and moved on to me. I adore dogs. Big dogs, little dogs, ugly dogs, drug dogs. Most of them tend to come across as retarded like me and

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  1. reader Says:

    It was fairly entertaining, in its way, a few good lines. I just have a hard time believing that two cops doing a drug raid in a classroom wouldn’t have noticed Ian swallowing a bag of weed practically directly in front of them. Plus, those dogs have really good noses. It’s likely that there would be residual odor evn if he did manage to choke it down unnoticed by the human cop contingent. Just something to think about.

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