Read this short passage I wrote?

I was being watched. There were so many places for them to hide, moving so gracefully in between the trees, behind the cars, in them even. And I felt so sure, so sure that something was coming. And nothing did. With each second that past I was growing more certain that the next was to be the one to hold disaster. And then it hit. The world moved so suddenly slower as the car gained speed and pointed head first toward the wall on the side of the road. The highway noise was suddenly so much louder and the light was flashing around me, the emotions hitting me faster with each person that ran past me. Their screams were piercing my flesh, Liam‘s cold gaze now alight with adrenaline, Peter‘s chilly glance unsure as his legs carried him farther away from her than he wanted to be. Faye‘s mouth was closed emotionlessly as she trailed around me. But even as they moved, their fear rendered my muscles frozen stiff. And without warning, I couldn’t breathe. A fiery mix of anguish and unsurpassable panic echoed through my bones. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. Tongues of orange flame were spitting out of the dark at every angle and their heat encompassing my body. My eyes were flying, searching for some sort of answer as my body held still- but Wright’s arms were suddenly pulling me off the ground. The pain was everywhere, floating around in a haze of incandescent orange. I was moving too fast to know where I was going- all I can remember now is how blinded I was by all of the hurt that seemed to be flying at my sponge like body and convicting me of crimes I’d never committed. CONTEXT: This passage is out of a story I’m writing. It’s sort of cheesey, but I decided to branch out of realistic stuff and try writing a fantasy… But I think it’s unusual in the way it’s set up- It’s not really about a vampire, but a woman who accidentally kills a man and goes insane because of it. This section is being especially troublesome because she’s not quite to the pinnacle of insanity, but only beginning to dabble in it. (lol) She has the ability to “read emotions”, and feel what other people feel. In the second paragraph, she is feeling the emotions of one of her friends as they die in the car accident. (Sorry, spoiler). The emotions of others are also present. The wording in the whole thing is completely off, and I’d like some advice on that, in addition on how to make it less confusing, but chaotic and expressive at the same time. Thank you so much for reading this massive question. I will pick a best answer J I'm in the 9th grade, but don't make your judgements off of that. or be like "ooh young talet". Most generic response ever. I know this is bad, and I'm just giving an excuse for it's terribleness. ADVICE WOULD BE AMAZING.

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3 Comments: Trackback URL | Comments RSS

  1. woman whipped Says:

    I have no words to describe this. You are a good writer. Excellent work!

  2. Katie Says:

    To make this better, though you did a good job, I’ll have to first pin-point the mistakes I noticed that you made while writing. There are a few- so no worries.
    I noticed that you started acouple of sentences with the word “and”. In the whole literary world thats not really proper, so maybe you could switch it up like this:

    Original:And I felt so sure, so sure that something was coming. And nothing did. With each second that past I was growing more certain that the next was to be the one to hold disaster.
    Corrected: I felt so sure, so sure that something was coming- yet nothing did. With each passing second I became more certain that the next second to appear would behold some type of disaster.
    Its not the perfect correction, but I tried.
    The problem with your wording is just that you need to switch some things up; maybe you should try some complex-complete sentences, or try the whole magic-3 tricks (If you don’t know what these are, message me please). Also if you use some different words, some descriptive maybe, your story will evolve from “good” to “Great”.

  3. tm-ar&k Says:

    Excellent work!. Keep at it. You have a bright future!

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